Bereavement

Contacting the Bereavement Care Centre: 

You can call us on 01733 673543 (Peterborough) or 01480 847494 (Hinchingbrooke) as soon as possible to speak to a bereavement officer who will check your details, ask you some questions 
to establish what documentation is required and advise you of the next steps.

Our telephone lines are open Monday to Friday (excluding bank holidays) between 9.30am and 4.00pm. A voicemail facility will be in operation if there is no one available to answer the telephone or the line is engaged. Please leave your name and contact telephone number and your call will be returned as soon as possible.

 

Medical Examiner: 

The Medical Examiner service at the Trust provides an independent review of the care of patients who die in our hospitals. Our team of Medical Examiners supports doctors in establishing the cause of death and writing the death certificate, as well as ensuring that appropriate referrals are made to the Coroner. The Medical Examiners are senior consultants who already work in the trust; they are supported by Medical Examiner Officers and work closely with the bereavement team.

The Medical Examiner or Officer will phone you to explain what is written on the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death and answer any questions you may have. If you have any concerns, this is an opportunity for you to raise them. More information about the Medical Examiner service: 

Hinchingbrooke Hospital Bereavement Guide 

Peterborough City Hospital Bereavement Guide

Sudden and unexpected death
A sudden, accidental, unexpected death shatters the world, as we know it. It is often a loss that does not make sense. The sudden death leaves us feeling shaken, unsure and vulnerable. The grief response following a sudden loss is often intensified since there is little to no opportunity to prepare for the loss, say goodbye, finish unfinished business or prepare for bereavement. We are suddenly forced to face the loss of our loved one instantaneously and without warning.

We may experience a greater sense of vulnerability and heightened anxiety. The safe world we once knew, no longer exists. We fear for our family, our friends and ourselves and we may become preoccupied with thoughts that this will happen again. It is incredibly important that you try to take care of yourself.  You are dealing with an event that is beyond your control 
and it is very important to do things that help you re-establish your sense of control over your world. It is also important to focus on the basics the body needs for day-to-day survival. 

Expected death
If the death of your loved one was expected, you will still find yourself in a state of shock at the news of their death. No matter how hard we try to be prepared, the death of a loved one will affect us enormously and change our world, as we knew it. How you respond to a death or a bereaved person will be very individual and personal. These are some of the things people often say when someone dies. They may help you to feel that you are not completely alone.

• 'I can't believe it' - it may take you a long time to grasp what has happened. Some people carry on as if nothing has happened. It is terribly hard to believe that someone important is not coming back
• 'I feel nothing' - the shock can make you numb, you may feel you're in a different world
• 'Why did it have to happen?' - death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time or when you had plans for the future together
• 'I feel such pain' - Physical and mental pain can feel completely overwhelming and very frightening
• 'I go over it again and again' - you can't stop thinking about the events leading up to the death
• 'If only I had….' - you may feel guilty about things you have said or did or that you didn't say or do
• 'I feel so depressed, life has no meaning, I can't go on' - many people say there are times after a death when they feel there is nothing worth living for and they feel like ending it all
• 'I hear and see her, what is wrong with me?' - thinking you are hearing or seeing someone who has died is a common experience and can happen when you least expect it
• 'They said I'd be over it in a few months' - many people find it takes much longer to learn to cope without someone to love
• 'One minute I'm angry and the next minute I can't stop crying' - many people find the mood swings very frightening

Immediately following your bereavement
Your first response to bereavement is almost inevitably the feeling that it can't be real, that it has not actually happened. These feelings may be accompanied by feelings of numbness - what many commonly call, “shock” - and a general sense of things being unreal. Some describe this sense of unreality as “living in a haze” or “moving in slow motion.” This numbness is often mixed with and followed by the more familiar signs of grief: extreme, painful sadness and fear as well as physical problems such as insomnia and an inability to eat.

At the time of your loved one's death
Most of us would want to be present when a loved one dies. It's the last thing you'll do for the dying person and for many it seems right to be with them until the end of their life. Being  present may help to confirm the reality of the death and assist you in your grieving. Sometimes this isn't possible, however, and you may be left  feeling guilty, angry or cheated - particularly when someone's died after a long illness. You may have been with your loved one for hours and when you leave for a cup of coffee, your loved one slips away. It is as though they are fighting while the family are there but when the family leave, they can slip peacefully away. Sometimes it seems to work the other way and your loved one holds on until the family are all present and then peacefully dies. It's natural to seek causes for the death and you may have many unanswered questions.

The bereavement staff can arrange for you to meet the doctors or Consultant who cared for your loved one. You will then be able to ask the questions you have about the care of your loved one. This meeting can be very helpful and can help you move forward through your grief.

After the funeral
The first week or so after a death is a busy time: telling others, registering the death and making funeral arrangements. The full reality of the death may not hit you until after this time, when friends and family may have moved away and the real pain of grief begins. After the initial impact, you may find that you're up one minute and down the next. This is normal. Confusion, 
disorganisation, anger and guilt are common feelings, which may fluctuate over the coming months, giving way to apathy, sadness and depression as time goes on.

The following comments were all expressed by bereaved people and show the variety of feelings that can be experienced:

• Guilt - “If only we hadn't rowed just before the accident. I feel so guilty that I gave him a hard time before he died.” 
• Anger - “I was so angry; I wanted to hit out at God and the world. I wanted to hurt everyone just like I'd been hurt. I wanted to destroy. He'd left me and I hated him for it.” 
• Longing - “My whole being ached for her. I could think of nothing else. Every minute I thought she'd come through the door again. Again and again I'd hear her voice, see her in the crowd. Each time I thought of her it was like a knife in my heart.” 
• Exhaustion - “I'd been feeling restless and couldn't sleep. I paced and ranted. Now, I have an opposite reaction. I sleep a lot but still feel worn out. I don't even want to see the friends who've kept me going. I sit and stare, too exhausted to move.”

Bereavement literally means being robbed and deprived of hope. As the reality of your loss sinks in, you may feel anger, hatred - and guilt. Someone must be to blame and it's all too easy to wrongly blame yourself. Even after the rawness of the feelings fade, you may undergo long periods of adjustment, not all of which are clearly understood. If you catch yourself having too much fun, or even feeling that life is starting to be bearable again, this can turn to guilt or renewed grief that your loved one is no longer there to share it.

Bereavement is an immensely stressful event that can take a huge toll on the body, potentially causing all sorts of physical problems, including physical exhaustion, uncontrollable crying, sleep disruption, palpitations, shortness of breath, headaches, recurrent infections, high blood pressure, loss of appetite, stomach upsets, hair loss, disruption of the menstrual cycle, irritability, worsening of any chronic condition such as eczema or asthma, and visual and auditory hallucinations.

Finding support
It's not unusual at times to feel that you're going mad through the intensity of your grieving. Friends and colleagues can help by letting you talk about it at your own pace for as long as it takes, by simply being there and acknowledging your feelings - and by not being shocked by them. You may find you cannot and do not want to fully express your anguish and grief to members of your family or friends for fear of hurting them and causing them more pain. Although it is important to share your feelings with your family and friends, it can also be very helpful to find someone else to talk to and listen to how you are feeling. There are specialist agencies and groups that offer support. Many of these groups offer counselling.